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8:55am December 14th]
well last nite i talked to ms ruther...and i realized something..i have written so much, and all eyes can see what ive said in this, and i think thats over with now really, i'm basically discontinuing this journal, but if you go here, its my new one, so enjoy:)...
(friends only) and ya, all the friends i had on this one will be added to my new one automatically, talk to yall later
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something something [Monday
10:51am December 13th]
well this is monday..and i finally get a chance to do this entry, but well friday it was a normal day..left school early for the senior cotillion, and when i get home, well on the way home i get into a conversation with my dad, i forget what its about but it was angering..i remember that, since basically anything we talk about drives me up the wall..but ya anyways i get home and i lay down for a bit, but i get up about 1 something and i go to get on the computer but its screwed up and im like oo boy, something else..so i go and get the reinstallation windows cd to fix it, but of course, it doesnt work, when it did before in july when i did it, when the computer got a little messy, but anyways so when that doesnt work i call the dell hotline, which happened to be in india..in india..*shakes head*...and i try figure out what this lady is telling me what to do, so to make this long story kinda short, i blank out my entire computer and i lost everything, all my files, pictures, aim/msn mess logs, i stinking lost everything..oo and i even lost the command for the ethernet connection that i have, so this is now saturday morning, because friday i got too frustrated and i had so much stuff to do, so saturday i figure out that i cant get online now..which for some reason seems to have become a portion of my life, dont ask why..i guess im a loser or something now lol, but yes it has but oo well, so i call back again and deal with these people that i cant understand what they are saying.which is after i get done waiting 53 minutes for someone to help me, so again to make a longer story short i just get fed up and move on and just realize that they cant do anything for me..but i remember that my cousin matt, he's like 30 or so, he knows everything about computers, and even works on then part-time, and i jumped and said "OMG, HE CAN FIX IT!!" so of course i find out his number and call him, and he says that he would be glad to help, so hopefully i'll have this computer stuff fixed by later this week THIS WEEK (knocking on wood). But ya, so i hang out during the day and i keep trying to call ms rutherford, but of course she didnt have her phone on, and before i know it, its 430 so i start to get ready because there was a model un club party (indian theme) over prenna's house at 5, so after i get ready i just walk over there, since shes like only 5 or 6 blocks from me..so i get there and i take of my shoes and realize that i had two different socks on, one was all white and the other had that grey tip thing, and i was like oo how nice, im in such a hurry that i put the wrong socks on and umm now i definitely would look like an idiot..but oo well, not the first nor the last time that i would look like one, lol but then i realized its not that big of a deal so WHATEVER..and besides all the cool kids wear different socks...well the night goes on and about 540 or so, prenna's aunt paints our hands and does this little design with our names (once john put the pics online, ill put them here so you can see everything) but anyways she did mine and put hearts around it, and i thought, please, you shouldve put nails and each heart, but of course there was no point in saying that and actaully nevermind..but anyways, then we have some appetizers, and ooo boy, john's sister is only a freshman but 5'9, man oo man, lol i was like arent you a junior and i got the no, everyone think thats, im only a freshman..but ya it was cool talking to her, and ill get back to her later ;), but ya so we all are watching movies and eating some indian nachoes, lol and there was this guy in one of the movies that had a double thumb! we finally saw it in all its splendor, and man that was kinda sickening, amusing but nasty lol, oo well, evidently that didnt because all the girls kept on saying that he was hot hot hot, so time passes and we eat dinner, which i have to say was awesome, (sorry bek, i had indian food before i came there) and it was the best! and after dinner we had a fashion show, and i realized that indian clothes are so awesome and it was about 9 now, and at this point i was sitting there talking to this girl libby, and i was trying to figure out where i had seen her before, perhaps from middle school or some other place back in history, lol but we realize after about 20 minutes, that we are on the same bus..lol we both knew that we saw each other somewhere sometime, so we talked for awhile and i found out that she want to going a shooting range, and i want to go to a fencing school, lol yes i think that our conversation got very interesting at times, and a bit later prenna puts on some music and libby was like you have to dance, even though i really didnt care to but of course, i fell to a girl's begs, so we dance for a bit, lol until whats her name? oo! carey or something, steals her away and umm it was interesting to see them get it, lol i was umm, lol actually no comment, then omg kristi!! what a weirdo, lol and i saw that she was definitely a bonafide freak, kristi kristi kristi! lol well i still heart her, lol i heart a little more now actually..and she kept on flirting with john which i thought was pretty interesting, well actually i dont think it is, since john looks like a P.I.M.P lololol, and well i heard a few things now actaully, horrible letdowns, john isnt only a pimp but a heartbreaker...and for some reason i want to laugh really really hard, but i guess i cant because im in the library, but anyways, after awhile i went downstairs and i whipped someone at pool, i cant remember exactly who it was and john its not because im high!! lol, then after prenna basically destroyed me i, i went back upstairs to party a little more to ludacris and some other ghetto music, lol and omg, you cant ask a question now or something!!?? i ask john how tall his sister is, just to ask, and i guess she heard me and she tells me herself then john looks over at me and is like umm, if you hit on my sister ill kill you....haha oo john, u sooooo scurrrrrr me hahaha!! and more dancing then ooo i forgot, it was alicia's birthday and we sang the song and those cakes were so good! the chocolate one was better, so anyways still dancing, and around this time which is about 10 something, i just let go i guess and stopped being like my timid self or something and it was fun...lol and that hunnine lol wow, a nice dancer lol but after awhile some of us went into the kitchen and started to eat more and have some indian tea, which was very very ...well good doesnt describe it, it was awesome..so after that a little more dancing and omg tori, lol you go head girl! WORK IT OUT! lol (just dont hurt anyone in the process lolol) so after a little more dancing some of us go downstairs..it was like 3 of us, then a little while after hunnine slips on down and we play some good ole pingpong..lol and umm i dont think there was a winner, we both had some good shots, and those kinda shots that make you want to say dont remember that one..hahaha and omg, i hit it and she goes to get it and rams into the wall, and we see a little dent thing or whatever and she tries to convince me that it was already there after laughing for like 5 minutes, but oo ya, it was like that hun, it was really like that hahaha, so john goes to leave so of course she had to follow so i go to play kristi ,ms sexual fanatic hahaha, sorry girlie, you know that its true, but ya we start to play then i about 3 minutes later i hear someone running down the stairs and its hun yelling i got some more time, john got into a debate or something, i forgot exactly what she said, lol so we jam it up a little long, and hunny you definitely gotta stop hitting it behind the door and under the couch, lol she gave me a work out trying to get the balls back, lol we lost 2 though, lol sorry prenna, but so after playing about 25 mintues john comes back and tells her to come back so they can leave or something, lol and we werent flirting john! lol wow..and i think about this time it was around 12 something, so we all, well the rest of us hang out for a while in the basement still and soon we go back upstairs lol and man oo man, the gossip hahahahahaahaha, but we are going to keep that on the dl and i really hate when people say ld, so pathetic, but thats a whole nother story, so about 1245 we all leave from our wonderful indian nite, and i walk libby home, well kinda, because someone (alicia) was tagging along!!! :( lol oo well, oo but she did tell me that she knew i had one of these things, but she didnt remember who it was that told her, lol and umm that has me thinking, word definitely does spread through our awesome trumbull high, i tell you, you can be assured that if you have a secret, itll never get out! hahaha so anyways alicia gives me a ride home, which was very nice of her, i even made her run a light, lol im such a good influence arent i, then i get home and i watch a little tv and try calling ms.rutherford but she didnt have it on yet, and i couldnt find her house number and there was no online so i just went to bed, even though i was beat anyways...so that was my weekend, because tomorrow i really wont be doing anything, just church and some christmas shopping...

hmmm..some people just dont know when to shut it [Thursday
9:34am December 9th]
[ mood | crappy ]

well today has seemed ok so far..i was talking to ms rutherford (lol excuse me..i really like her last name) but i heard my dad coming up the stairs..and if there is anything that i can claim i have, i definitely have keen hearing..so anyways i hear him coming up to 'check' on me, well rather make sure i was offline and in bed by 11:30, i sware he is such a douche bag, all his senseless rules, but anyways i jump off and into the bed to act like i was sleep, then like the night before wait till he goes downstairs to sleep on the couch, cuz hes sick and he doesnt want to sleep in the bed with her cuz he doesnt..well lets say it how it is, she doesnt want to catch anything, because with him..you'll undoubtfully get sick if he has something and you are around him, its like it only takes a few hours..but whatever anyways i call myself waiting like 5 minutes after he goes downstairs and gets on the couch..cuz i can hear that to, but i guess i was a little tired and the next thing i know, i wake up at 3 in the morning and i was like oo darn, well its good that i told her the reason for that, in case it happened so she wouldnt get mad or think something, even though i dont think that would be the case..but anyways i wake up this morning without the alarm again, like five minutes before this time, and i get to school and we are doing out sugar cookies in chefs for christmas, and omg..that reminds me, they want to stop saying christmas because the Lord's name is in it..omg...how pathetic can you be, not saying christmas, i sware these liberal crybabies are really getting on my nerves now, first they take prayer out of the schools, then they make they call for complete seperation between church and state..and which is foolish because our state was established on RELIGION!! and if you get people that dont belive in GOD or get people that come from other countries that believe in other religions or whatever..too stinking bad, no one asked them to come here anyways, so if they can come here then they can take a little talk that is around the name of GOD, but anyways then they want to abolish the part of our statement, one nation under GOD, now they want to take Christ out of christmas..i sware, this is just so foolish..so foolish and so aggervating, and goodness, way to be a bunch of prissy a** crying cunts..move the heck on..i sware AND IM SORRY, IF YOU ARE A FAR LIBERAL THAT CONDONES AND IS IN FAVOR OF CHANGING THE NAME OF OUR HOLIDAY CHRISTMAS BECAUSE CHRIST IS IN IT, I STINKING HATE YOU TO NO END I SWARE, I HOPE YOU DIE!!!!...sorry but i just had to get thta out, but anyways..i get to chefs and i was a little late but i get there and i got right to it, but it was nice today..mike and murielle helped me out..because there is alot of things to do and the kids that i work with, they really cant help me all that much, its so sad to see what they can and cant do, but oo well, no one's life is perfect, or near it for that matter..but then all of mrs castellano's honors political classes went to hear our senator talk..senator finch..a cool guy, but some things i really didnt agree on him about, like well..nevermind...actually ill say it, im sorry but i dont believe in gay marriges and i really didnt agree with him about our state's death penalty, because next week we are executing a person that that raped, murdered and pilliged a group of girls a few years ago, and some people (those liberals) dont like it, so there we didnt agree either, because i believe that if a person does something wrong he deserves to be punished according to his actions...but if there are any liberals that are continuing to read this entry and didnt get pissed about the christmas thing (well if that was directed towards you) yall say that you are against capital punishment, but ILL BET YOU ANYTHING THAT IF MR.SHEPARD'S KILLERS WERE CALLED UPON TODAY TO SUFFER THE DEATH PENALTY, YALL WOULD RUN OUT IN THE STREETS SHOUTING HALLELUJAH...even though the death penalty is so so so so wrong, and there is no such thing as religion..(and i hope you get that i just insulted you, because..well yall are backwards and make no sense..but being foolish, never makes any sense) so there.....and at the moment im just sitting in the media center now doing this..oo and i saw lauren and talked to her for a second:)..and now im doing this and doing my CHRISTmas shopping and talking to bek....ok well back to this..fifth we had a sub yet again, i really hope that mrs curtiss is ok, she is always getting sick, very not good at all, then sixth we were talking about reincarnation and the whole idea about time being parallel, like right now there are people that are alive and they might be in some other time, lets say the 1400s..its interesting, very interesting actually but i dont think that it is really possible, the to seventh then eighth, and today we found out the outcome of the trial, and of course, predetermination won! i sware how pathetic, but im not going to bother about that lol but i will say, i stayed after for irish club, but umm i get there and then i find out that its not a real meeting but someone was coming to teach us some riverdancing or something and i was like ummm, thats ok, so i slip out and go to bible club and it was nice, havent gone once all year, well before then, so i felt a little guity..o well, so anyways i felt a little better about some things since i went, not to make it sound like a pun or something but all of that is very conforting, but umm while im waiting for the late bus, there were these two girls, lol and they made me remember their names, tonya and alyssa, they were on my bus i guess one of them recognized or knew it or something, not really too sure now that i think about it, but umm anyways they asked me about the bus then like a few seconds after they were asking me all about myself and all that, lol it was a little random but nice, lol but umm tonya did ask me if i was a virgin and umm coming from bible club and letting all the things that we talked about sink in to my mind, i didnt answer the question but alyssa was like omg dont ask him that..lol so i was kinda saved from answering that question lol..but ya, i thought it was a little weird, the alyssa one tells me that if she ever has a boy that she wants him to be similar to me, and i just thought, why would you want him to? she gave me some reasons why..because i appeared to her to be well groomed and i was very nice, and i didnt curse or anything and some other things, but i was thinking in my head even though saying the embarressed thank yous...i dont think that you really want them too, because even though i try to be a good person, im so far from it, i always fall short to the things that should be done and to the right things that i want to do, and there are definitely much better people for your 'son' to be like..and i know that it seems pointless for me to be talking about because well, alot of people have said that to me for some reason or another but she really seemed serious, really serious, but anyways i get home after the ride and i think we talked for a good 20 minutes..lol actually non stop, and it was nice having a good conversation with someone, actally two people in this particular one...but ya, then i get home and the nice mood i was in turned into crap yet again..because my father and i start talking and as usual we always go against each other and for some reason i brought up that terrible summer, well actually it was more then the summer because i was ok two weeks after kyle was born, which was two weeks after feb 13th, so i guess thats 7 monthes that i was really torn, if i hadve done what i wanted, this journal would not be in existance...you'll get it if you think about it for a second, but anyways i brought that up because the conversation was deep anyways and i thought..THOUGHT that it would help my side of the fight, but of course my dad says something that totally was no need for, and basically by what he said belittled those monthes that i was in utter torment, so i just got up from the table walked up stairs and went into my room and locked the door, without saying a word, so of course he got the message, because ill never stop fighting, but in this instance i was like theres no point in continuing to talk to you because..well anyways he comes upstairs and knocks on my door and i go and open it and he starts talking and i didnt say anything still so he just stopped and left, so then i turn on the news and actually i dont want to talk anymore so that was my day..peace

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12:49am December 8th]

Cancer - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

You're intuitive enough to know what's going wrong in a relationship early on

A total sweetheart - you're often the most caring person anyone knows

You are a generous and devoted parter to whoever you fall in love with

Your negative traits:

Insecurity - you tend to need a huge amount of comforting from your partner

You tend to be overly sensitive and easily hurt, which make loving you difficult

It's difficult to predict your moods. One minute you're up - the next you're down.

Your ideal partner:

Someone equally sensitive, who wants to take time to get to know you deeply

Dreams of an everlasting love - complete with marriage and a family

Loves to take care of you. Being a good cook and masseuse doesn't hurt!

Your dating style:

Slow. You enjoy dates that last all day, with plenty of time to talk and get to know one another.

Your seduction style:

Quite tender and loving, once you are comfortable in your relationship.

Coy. You tend to play it cool to drive your lover wild.

Orally talented - you're known as the best kisser in the zodiac.

Tips for the future:

Be a little less sensitive. Not every little mistake should hurt you.

Spend time away from your partner every so often - independence is a good thing.

Find ways to take care of yourself. You'll be happier if you put yourself first.

Best place to meet someone online:

eHarmony - you'll be able to take the time to get to know each potential match well

Best color to attract mate: Aqua

Best day for a date: Wednesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

12:31am December 8th]

J is for Juicy
O is for Odd
N is for Naughty
A is for Amazing
T is for Trendy
H is for Honest
A is for Alluring
N is for Nutty

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giving up...i think thats what i should do [Tuesday
10:22pm December 7th]
[ mood | gloomy ]

well today has been exceptionally hard...i get up this morning, about an hour and 22 minutes before my clock goes off to start this 'wonderful' day..so i go and take a shower, i usually take one the nite before, before i go to bed, so even though i did last night i decided to take another one, thinking that it couldnt hurt, but for some reason as soon as i got in some old things came to mind and really did a beautiful number on me and i was like oo this is great, really great, and im just standing there and i noticed that even though i was in a hot shower, cuz i always take really hot ones for some reason, maybe on the verge of burning, well to some people it might be, but anyways i noticed that i was still stone cold, and i thought that was a lil odd, the heat is on and im in the shower but still cold..but anyways, i dont know why all those things filled my mind, and i continuely see that pain, no matter how long ago it is, will never leave, well the little things yes..but those things that destroyed your life at that time, will continue on to another day, to destroy it, like the day it did when it happened, and all of the ones that were in between that you hoped would be your healing process..but then i went to wash my hair and i noticed that my hair is straitening out, and when i went to wash it and a few pieces actually came out..i guess stress gets you in everything about you but anyways i get out of the shower and dried off, get dressed, but still drying off my face, well you can probably guess why but anyways..i get some captain crunch and then i head out to attempt to catch the bus and of course it doesnt come for some reason, after like 25 mins me and zoey and taylor head back home and i get back and i turn on the news to see if there was a delay or something because that mightve been the reason why it didnt come and i see all these names but i didnt see that trumbull was delayed so i just waited and waited because ive noticed over the last 7 years ive been here trumbull is usally one of the last places to say if there is a delay or cancellation so i wait a bit and i just relax awhile then when i see that we probably arent going to do anything i go and ask my dad to drop me off at school and i sware, he had a big you know what over it, so fought for a good 25 minutes, and on the way to school so i was both shooken up because after ahile it really gets to you, and i was also bout to f***ing punch someone in their face at the drop of a dime, so i get in and go to my house office to get a pass to political science because by the time i get there i miss first second and homeroom, so i get there and evidently i had one of those faces like im going to fall apart or something because when i gave her my pass she gave me the nicest smile and i tell you it liked pierced my heart or something and i had to stay together...so i go and sit down and while we were all discussing the news, i didnt bother saying anything and i guessed she picked up on it and i sware this woman kept on looking in my eyes so i just kept on looking the other way, and down at my book and after class was over i tried to walk farthest from her as we were walking out and i even got next to the biggest racist alive..kraitner, he hates the french, irish, and since he favors everything that the country has done, im guessing the natives, so thats basically means that he hates me (to make a joke) but anyways, he hates everything non american but he is the biggest kid ever, he a linebacker for the football team and i sware this dude, well nevermind, i let him block me while we walked out, because i didnt want castellano pulling me to talk to me or whatever, she seems like the person that would do that, but anyways it was 4th and i went straite to the media center and i got on my favorite computer and i see that bek is on, and she says that she got out early so we talked for a bit, but since she was getting ready for a gig later i just stopped talking because i didnt want to bother her and whatever, so i just get up and go to the commons and get something to eat, and realizing when i got there that i left the computer on under my name and password and i left all my stuff there, but for some reason i didnt care and just left it there like that and ate and after i was done i went back and i saw that everything was as it was, the way i left it, and not happy but for some reason disappointed that some fool didnt go through my things and steal something and make my day even more pathetic..oo well, i guess fate was on my side that time or whatever, then off to fifth period, and as i went to walk to my seat, that girl, alicia was talking to christine and as i walked by she was on her way to her seat and she looked and gave me the cutest smile and in return i gave the most pathetic smirk, well it felt like one because of course i couldnt see my face..then when i sat down i felt so stupid because that is what ive wanted i guess, and i didnt take advantage of the moment so i just was like way to go and forgot about it then next period was world religions and we were talking about the posibility of reincarnation and i was like hmm dont believe in it, but if i did i probably was torn apart in my past life and then i thought o well if reincarnation is real, then i would just end everything now, but then, without a doubt id end up in a terrible state of being like now..so what would be the point..so anyways i get to media center for 7th as usually and i decide not to bother getting on the computer so i go to look for a book to read and i found one, but when i opened it, i just stared at the first page for a few minutes..for some reason i couldnt read it? but then a group of people that i know came in and sat at the table i was at and we talked for a bit, well actually they did, because i guess i just was still distant but they did make me laugh a little, so then to after 7th was over off to 8th and we had a sub, and i tell you, this guy (was about 22) was the biggest douche bag ive ever seen teaching, i sware it was just aggervating looking at him, and its really pathetic when you act like you are the s***, and you actually arent, and by acting like that you make yourself look worse..PATHETIC!!! but yes so anyways i get home and as soon as i go in the kitchen to put up the dishes from out of the washer, my dad comes to me with his oo i have one question crap..so we gets all pissy asking me about the morning and eventually we start fighting and this time our fight wasnt just words..and im happy that i put the knife up before we came to that, because..well someone wouldve been in the hospital, well thats if he could call....but anyways, after our altercation i was just fed up so i went up stairs and went to bed...me sleeping at 3;30!!! so i was knocked out from 3:30 to about 7:30 and i got up and dinner was just ready a few seconds before i came down so we are all in the kitchen and my dad seemed like he was trying to talk and be all jolly but i didnt even bother looking at his foolish cunt acting self and i guess he got the hint that i wasnt easily swayed with his fake bull**** so he just went in the back room and ate and played his xbox..and while my mom and i were eating and talking she proved me right in the fight that my dad and i had, so i was like oo look, i was right...and you proved it, and she just changed the subject and i was close to going and gloating to my father that hes a pack of s*** and he was wrong yet again and that he doesnt know what he's talking about and that he is a big loser, but i said to myself, hes in there and im in here, so whats the point of me going searching for trouble, and him being away from me makes me happy so why would i spoil that by going and even saying a word to him, because even seeing his face makes me sick, so i just sat there like ya dad, your shit in my head (and im just noticing that i didnt censor that..lol and at the moment i could really care less actually..but anyways after dinner i go upstairs and i do my routine, tv..news..and online, and i called mike too for some reason..and umm i talk to some people ..but um, yes..oo the charlie brown christmas was on so i watched that, but then like in two seconds there was this new version of it on and i just had to turn, really had to turn..then before i know it, its 1045 and i felt like i should try going to bed so i was changing but ms rutherford got on so of course i had to stay on and talk to her..and i sware, she is seeming more and more like what ill need when i get there for college, so we talk for 2 hours straite actually, but she had to go because she had to get up early for the doctors before school, because she had her wisdom teeth pulled last saturday..man that mustve sucked big time..and oo boy, she actually told me she was getting me a christmas gift from my favorite store..vondutch..and i was really flattered actually, i didnt know what to think, so that means that i have someone on the list to get a gift for, and since she was so nice and everything to even think to get me something and from vd..($$$) i defintely have to get her something really nice, i guess bloomingdales?..my mom shops there so i guess i can have her help me find something for her, but ya..pretty, sweet, and eveything that i want..already means that its not going to work out, so im saying to myself, why should i even bother talking to her anymore because theres no point because i know that all this will be a waste because i can see it now, she'll be perfect and just as i let her totally in and fall for her..if thats even possible, she'll pop and say im sorry but i have to tell you..and we know what follows that, so yes i shouldnt bother, but i guess ill see what happens, even though i know what it will be already..but ya that was my day..and i dont see why everyone hates avril, there are a few songs on her newest cd that sound really good, but maybe thats because my judgement is impaired because of eveything..who knows


10:22am December 6th]
well nothing has really happened the last few days..and for some reason i havent got a chance to really do anything since ive been a little busy, and a tab bit lazy..well umm friday, nothing really happened, took a test in political science and i definitely thought i failed it..it was three chapters of material and i dont think that i was really up to taking the test since i had the worst head yet again..but anyways, after feeling pathetic because i thought i failed i went to the media center and did some online christmas shopping..ehh, i remember the days that it was was everything..CHRISTMAS!!! but now its really nothing to me, i dont know, maybe age has taken its spendor, not really sure but oo well, oo but i do think that my mother is going to get me this really hot cam, video, and mp3 player
here it isCollapse )
it has everything..i hope she get its, well it look like she was, and when i went to look at her laptop screen she like flipped out lol, so i pretty much think that i got it, and now im looking at my nail, i know this is pretty random, but the last time i went to the mall, which was about two weeks ago now, this gypsie called me over to her booth and showed me this nail stuff, it makes it look nicer and smoother, even though (not bragging) i have perfect nails and such..and i was told that, lol not saying it myself, but anywho, she used it on me and its been two weeks later and now im looking at it and its still shiny..odd, lol maybe i shouldve bought that stuff instead of lying and telling her id come back..i just hate being bamboozeled into things, but if i do see her again with that stuff while im there, i guess that 20 bucks isnt to much..but anyways, umm back to friday, after i got done here for 4th period got to ms curtiss' and our group presented our movie (the shakespeare one that i spoke about like 3 or 4 entries ago..and im sitting here and ive been smelling this baby power smell all morning, and im just now realizing its me...but anyways we went into the autitorium and christine had the 'something' club let us use that special screen and set up everything so it was like actually watching a movie..it was so odd, lol sitting in a 'theater' watching myself..lol pretty awesome, just a little odd..haha i was sitting on the front row feeling like a star hahahaahhahahah....o and i was two seats away from curtiss and she seemed like she enjoyed our performance, lol and our little puns that we drew in, and the little mistakes that we made that one a KEEN eye could see, but yes, that all worked out really cool..then to compartative world religons and we had a sub, and wow, you can be strict, but there is a line you know!! then to great thinkers seminar and man i rocked it in the trial..i was my philospher (however its spelled) and i was on the side of freewill, and i used the Bible..in the second chapter of Genesis when GOD told Adam that he could eat everthing in the garden except for the fruit from the tree of wisdom , but how Adam did anyways, showing that he did in fact have free will, because if he didnt he wouldve never disobeyed GOD..and after reading that i basically blew them out the water that, zack only asked one question and i gave him an answer and the face that he gave was like umm, why am i even bothering, so he was done and i was like mhm, rite thurrrrr lol, so after feeling so incredibably smart i steped down of the stand and the case continued.. but yes it was very interesting, it was actually must better then the day before, very good, and very intriguing, but anyways i get home and my dad seemed relatively nice..well for a few minutes..get into a fite with him..but anyways, i come upstairs and i was so close to going to bed, and TRYING to get some sleep, i tend to do that when im really upset, sleeping is like my only escape, and sometimes i really wish id stay there, in that state (if you get the pun), but anyways, i decided to get on to talk to bek, even though i probably shouldntve because i didnt want to get her anymore sad about me and well i didnt want to upset her, because when i feel this bad, im so different, and i didnt..oo nm, well we talked for a bit and she gave me some pics that were really nice:)..i was glad to see them, well not really her injured foot, because i hate thinking of her not well, but oo well, at least i saw lol...and umm bek you still didnt get the pictures i was asking for you know, way to be slick lol, then after she left i did some homework, and while i was trying to get some homework done, i got into another quarrel with 'him' and it was really pathetic if you ask me, but whatever, and it was odd, because rite in the middle of it mike called, of course i couldnt pick up the phone, so umm after fighting with him i called mike back and we had the best laughs about what happened sunday, because i didnt go this past week either..so that makes 3 sundays in a row now, and also the night services, like wednesday night prayer and friday night service, but i think that ill go to wed nite prayer this week if im not to busy..its only an hour so what they hey, i might as well go, but umm ya anyways after i got done doing my homework i ended up just laying on the floor and watching the news for awhile, then i happen to look at the computer screen, (it was still on) and i saw that someone had imed me and of course i didnt know who they were (the acceptance thing was on) so i did, and we talked for awhile...i forget her name (what a suprise):(..she had given me her sn but i never realized it, i guess it was about 2 monthes ago, and she got tired of waiting, lol i guess she thought that i was screwing around or something..lol so we are bickering back and forth for awhile, who was the person that was more of a loser, but then she left and umm while i was talking to her my ex ims me, because the last nite that we talked and she pissed me off trying to hurt my feelings, after she got off i sent her a nasty email..i was actually suprised at how rude i was in it, oo well, but ya, she ims me because i guess she was a litle to punkish to call me or something, i dont know, but umm ya, shes like oo i want to get somethings straite, and basically i was close to saying f*it because i dont care anymore, you know what kinda person i am, and you know what upsets me, and basically you upset me so go somewhere and die, i wish that you would do that instead, but of course i didnt say that, i listened a little bit, and there she went with her bull, and about 2 minutes into it i was like umm, how about no more, so i just said randomly i gotta go, i hurt my foot, and switched sns, to the one that i never gave her ;)..lol im glad i never did, because i was actually still talking to some people and i didnt feel like getting off all because i didnt care to speak to her, but umm ya, and then i turned off my phone so she wouldnt be able to call...guess i just wasnt in the mood for it anymore, because the way i look at it (and its because of past stuff) ill love you forever, well until you f*** up, then you arent nothing but s*** to me, and i know if somoene reads this, i said i hurt my foot i have to go because i wanted to show her that i didnt have anytime for her, and that i lied, because i we all know i didnt hurt my foot, nor neither did i have to go, but now i see her as less then really a person, because if you know me, i dont lie, i have respect to a person to tell them the truth, no matter what the truth entails (being my loserish dad there for a sec hahahaah) but ya seriously, when i lied to her i basically was saying i have no repect for you, and in my eyes you pretty much are s***, and knowing her, because even though she acts like she knows nothing, i know she got that, and yes..sue me, because that was a deliberate shot at her, and i defintitly did it to hurt her..oo well...anyways, bout this time it was umm about 830 and i went downstairs to eat dinner, and my mom and i were acting like the biggest nerds lol, and i could tell that my dad wanted to say something b****y, but he knows, he can talk s*** to me and not have to really worry about anything, but my mom?...there goes his food, his clean clothes, his side of the bed, and umm you can guess the rest..but ya, her and i had a fun time and umm i get back upstairs and i get back on the computer and do some christmas shopping and about 930 this other girl in canada that i started talking to ims me and is like i still wanna hear your voice, can you call now, and i still cant because the long distance thing on my phone is still screwed up so i tell her no, and then this girl..i think its nadine..and she calls me sexy and all this other crap and i swear its odd, when she asked me what i was doing and i tell her im talking to that girl in canada that i make hook up with if things work out, and she flips out and gets all rude...im like whats your problem, you have a bf so why are you acting like you are jealous or some s***, like im with you and you are like one of those chicks that dont like your bf to talk to other girls..i sware, shes a lil odd..man i feel sorry for her bf..lord bless him, because, shes one of those types lol, oo well..and umm, dont talk me those kinda ways..she has a stinking bf..oo and id get it if she was just being flirty, but i sware shes seems like shes really serious..but ya so i just told her i had to go and i dedicated all my time to the girl that im kinda liking and vise versa, so i talk to her until i had to go to bed, and i must say she was really pretty last nite..lol that natural beauty..had on her sweatshirt and looked like she just got out of bed, i sware if you look pretty then..wow..thats the only word i can say. but that was my day
&&1 &&comment

10:54am December 2nd]
[ mood | annoyed ]

well nothing has really happened in the last few days really..i still havent got out of my sickness though, and i still dont have my voice back, not even half way :S oo well, nothing big, well im glad i dont have to talk to certain people :) but anyways, oo i have been thinking of people that ive talked to and stopped, for whatever reason, but i see that i stil have my attachment problem, thus me even thinking to start talking to them again..especially for what, for them to just 'bother' me even more, what sense does that make..talking to people that dont add to you but rather take away from you..and its weird, ill go back to them but sometimes ill push people away that probably do care and want to be true to me, for what? because i cant trust them..how backwards is that, i guess its as the saying goes, it feels worse to hurt, but you'll like it better, and it appears that i have that really bad...hmm, and i didnt even mean to go on that the least, well anyways, oo i went to prayer last nite and it got a little intense, id talk about it but nine out of ten you'll be scared lol...well ill brb, i must go to class, and yes ill finish it, ive noticed that ive been forgetting to though..and i feel bad, gina was just here and didnt say hi :(!!!...well im back now two hours later, and i just heard that there is a MUN meeting after school, how nice...and i hope that you caught my sarcasm because i so dont want to go, i hate hearing about things last minute, well unless i love the thing that im hearing, and it is what i want to hear..and i wonder if that made any sense..well anyways, i guess since i dont remember really anything from yesterday ill just do today...i wake up this morning with a terrible headache..i think because my dad passes a new 'degree' lol and yes the word is decree, but he has an interesting way of saying thing, like kindergarden..kinnygarden, and chocolate, well that one is so pathetic i cant even attempt to spell, and this is what i have to go though, listening to his misprouncing of words that a stinking 2nd grader could say...oo please!!! but anyways..well the 'degree' was that i cant lay in my bed past the time my alarm goes off or press snooze so i can have just a little more time to sleep before i get uP (the reason why i do that is because, when i wake up, im one of those people that sleep so hard that i am utterly aware of what is going on...when i wake up, im not even woke..if that makes the least bit of sense) and just to show you how out of it i am, when i was going out with marybeth, i remember that i was 'suxbunded' from the phone and everytime id wake up in the morning, the very second id turn on the computer to talk to her..so anyways one morning i got up and i stumbled across the room and i remember turning off my alarm and for some reason i believed that the clock was my computer and every time i pressed the keys resetting my clock and alarm, i thought i was typing to her..and thats just one of the stupid things ive done when waking up, so thats why i like to lay in bad and recoup from sleeping so im at least remotely awake, but due to my father being a prick, i cant do that anymore, and thus this terrible headache today, that lasted the better part of three hours..oo but i LOVE my father though (andi know u got the sarcasm there lol)..but yes well this morning we made chicken cesare wraps..and a whole bunch of memories came up about that b**** i spoke of earlier with my whole clock/online thing..and people wonder why i dont love anymore and why sometimes i am so easy to dismiss people(even though ill hold on to the thought of them for almost forever) hmm i think the reason why everyone is because..yall end up destoying me, and now im thinking of peple that claimed that i should trust them and love them and that everything would be ok..lies, all lies..and this one girl that im talking to, allie, the lives in winnipeg and she likes me, something i dont get, i think that she just wants some loving/wild sex because um, i only talked to her like 9 days..how in the world do you sincerly want someone that early on, someone please explain that to me, because id so like to know! but anyways shes like oo please trust me yada yada yada, and i dont want to be rude but i should just tell her, the people thta beg me to rite on are the ones that do it later on..so if you ask me right on, its innevitable, but those few that just take life as it and down the line end up sincerly caring, those are the ones that i know i can trust..cough cough bek cough..but yes allie im sorry but no..moving on..i get to third and find out our test is tomorrow on chapterS! 10 11 and 12, should i even attempt on studying, because whats the difference of a 50 or a 30..is there really one? and omg!! in 5th, there was this group that re-enacted the first scene of Henry V using characters in the south..I SWARE I HAVE NEVER FELT TO DISCUSTED IN ANYTHING..MAKING US SOUTHERN PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST FOOLS...F***, F***, F***..I SWARE I AM EVEN SWEATING THINKING ABOUT IT...HOW THEY DEPICTED US NOT BEING ABLE TO EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH, LIKE SOME ASIAN THAT POPS UP IN LOS ANGELES FOR THE FIRST DAY!!! But, im not going to even madder..lets just move on, well before i do, I PRAY THAT GOD SENDS MISERY TO THOSE THAT DID THAT FOOLISH MOVIE!!!!DARN FOOLS!!! oo and in 6th period, we are sitting there and we hear someone out in the hall yelling to some girl..take it off, and the girl laughing histerically, and the only thought i could think was that these two definitely needed a crazy british police beating (haha bek) because i sware, that was so distasteful, you can have your fun, but while im sitting here trying to get at least something out of the lesson or whatever..some people actually want to do relatively well! losers..i laughed though, because it was so stupid but whatever, and plus i think im just a tad-bit sickedned, distusted and actually pretty pissed off, and a little depression thrown in there, actually a little, lol i cant believe i told that lie, i mean tons, but that is fine i guess..but anywho, at the moment im in 7th and in about 5 mins ill be in 8th, and after the stupid meeting ill be home, so maybe ill be back around 345, maybe 4, so i guess thats it for now.....ok well im back here now..well at home finishing this..umm well nothing really happened that mattered but in 8th period we had a mock trial, and i sware, it got intense..it was to prove if destiny out rules personal chose or vise versa..i was on the personal chose side, and it was about a man that killed a friend in a drug dispute..but yes it was pretty interesting, and i sware some people need to learn procedures correctly because..cough cough zach and zachII cough, there is no tag teaming when you interigate someone on the stand..lol but that was just the bit of it, but anyways it


10:45am December 2nd]

hey everyone, i finally was able to get the few pics i was able to take at the switchfoot concert here on the computer, so hopefully you'll enjoy :)

Concert PicsCollapse )

12:55pm November 30th]
[ mood | determined ]

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way


8:10pm November 28th]
[ mood | cheerful ]

well today wasnt anything special..really didnt start at any certain time, i was up early for some reason and i was talking to this girl that lives in winnipeg, the place im going to school most likely, and shes kinda attractive and all, but right off she seemed a little too nice or something, i dont know but umm ya, shes there trying to make me trust her and tell her all this stuff, why im not happy and whatever have you, and of course i didnt because, well i dont trust people and i dont care to tell them why, why anything actually, but yes, thanks, but no thanks, but at 5 watching this show called the L-word with my mom (lol and yes i think you can guess what its about) tis a really good show (lol i meant to say is but umm bek has me talking different now..and ILL GET TO HER LATER ON!) but ya at 5 we were just chilling in the back room, and for some reason i was on my eating sprees..its either im not eating at all or im running around the house looking for something to stuff my face with, so ya, i stole half of the chips-a-hoy, i think its called, from her and then i went and got a blueberry muffin, then on top of that i baked 9 chocolate chip cookies..wouldve done ten but the tinfoil wouldnt allow me since there wasnt any room left..but ya so after eating i just wrap myself up in the comforter that i ripped off my bed and brought downstairs and went off into happy land..then i wake back up in 15 minutes and i was like screw this floor in going to my bed, so i go upstairs and hit my bed, and for some reason i turned on the tv, set the alarm for it to go out, and i started watching this british minister..john francis, it was pretty interesting i must say, and of course i thought of my heart, and was hoping i would talk to her later, oo ya how did i forget, my voice didnt really come back yet, but oo well, so i fall asleep around six something and i dont wake up until 12:12, and i beg my mom to make me some oatmeal, and i watch a little tv, cant find my tv changer though so its a little difficult, because i usually dont watch just one show, i usually turn through the channels, and thats a little hard to do when you are trying to eat, and talk to people, but yes i was talking to a few people and had some nice conversations i guess but oo my heart got me as soon as i got on :) and everything was so cool as always..and i tell you, i dont care the reason why she said, but i tell you this girl was absolutely sexy today, ABSOLUTELY..lol and stupid me, i was just acting up more and more, and we talked for the longest as usual, and i had to jump off to hit the shower for a few reasons, lol so i get back but mom called me so i run back downstairs and when i was running back up to get to her and i accidently tripped and sprained one of my toes..lol oo well i ran back upstairs anyways..then in about 5 seconds we started our long talk..the only word i can say is...PARAMOUNT...omg im still laughing at us, i never thought...lol but um ya..bek bek bek, lol i said in an entry 'a lil friendship with benefits' hahaha i dont think a little..lol but im going to leave it at that, but omg omg omg..that was the highlight of my whole stinking month, lord lolololol (sweetie ill ttyl of course) and thanks baby ;), so i then started to throw some clothes on and i had to say goodbye, then ran over to christine's again for the project...it was pretty fun, and we did the whole taping in one night..lol and all the mistakes, and everything..it was awesome, lol and i was a lil embarressed too, well at one point everyone was outside for the dual scene, and i went back inside to get something, but when i was walking back outside and for some reason i didnt realize the door, i guess it was that clean, lol so i walked rite into it..hahaha it was funny but so clumbsy..oo well lol, we all got a good laugh out of it, lol but umm ya it was a cool night doing the awesome shakespeare project, and for some reason i cant remember what the name is lol, what a loser lol, but ya..i get home and i talk to a few people and call matt, and i watch a little tv..FOUND MY CHANGER:) and now im stripping..lol jk, changing my clothes for bed, and that was my day....and god bek, mhm ;) lol


11:50pm November 27th]
well today wasnt anything special, got up and did some college stuff, getting to the end of it finally! SO HAPPY..SOON ILL BE OUT OF HERE..THANK GOD THANK GOD!! but umm after waking up around 11 and doing that stuff i got into a little fight with my dad yet again..im starting to think that it is a daily tradition or something..and it was all about how 'distant' i was on thanksgiving..evidently i was not paying attention or talking, or anything, and for some reason that bothered my dad....so i say to him, well what do you expect me to act like when all we do is fight, and you start s***, im not going to be all nice and except your fake niceness for one day, it can be a holiday, but if thats what you need to be nice to me..just save it..and i guess it was harse or too blunt or something, but whatever, so i get my stuff done and i just leave, and i head to the mall and i got some clothes, and for some reason i forgot to start on my christmas shopping..i have so much to do this year actually..i think ill have to start on that saturday..but ya so anyways im out and i go to some places..and i went over mikes for awhile and chilled..haha his family is so crazy there, and some of his boys were over..haah i was like the only one there underage..oo well, and no i didnt hit up a blunt!! hahaha, so had a good time there..but i just realized i gotta go, finish later...

2:53pm November 25th]

and my heart has a livejournal now..so awesome :)
...kinda busy so ill write later

9:17am November 23rd]
well today was nothin but crap..well it started out ok i guess, went to bed about 2 and got back up about 5 somethin and got ready..straitened my hair and some other stuff, finally made breakfast too, (havent had time in the longest) pancakes and bacon, oo and i even decided to make fish cakes..lol oo yes i had alot of time..so anyways i go buy my irish club tshirt, stinkin 10 bucks..i didnt see anythin special bout it, but whatever, so anyways i go to chefs and we make waffles, and i was like oo how nice, the very day that i get time to cook breakfast, we do it in chefs..hmm well w.e, so anyways..omg and that stinkin antonio is so close to makin me explode..he is basically like a 7 yr old child that is hella fresh and aggervatin to no end, and tries to be bosy..im makin the waffles and he says, no no you are doin it wrong way, and normaly i wouldve been polite and said no i think you might be wrong and try to overlook it, but since he was no aggervatin for the past few days i say to him, well if im doin it wrong, look at the directions and tell me what to do, (knowin that he cant read) so when he went to try to do it, he didnt know what to say, so i was like exactly, now shut it, i know that was mean but god u can only take so much..but anywho..i get to math and i see that the quiz we took like 2 days ago i failed it..it wasnt suprisin since im like mathmatically illiterate, but i thought i did well on it..oo but of course i was so wrong..ehh w.e, im not majorin in anythin that has to do with math, so f*it...umm what else happened?...3rd, 4th, ooo 5th we had a sub, so we all just chilled and went to do our projects for shakespeare, and evelyn im so sorry for eatin all of your hersheys kisses..im so sorry, i told u not to offer any lol, god i hate chocolate..but yet i love it! love it so much much....OO AND OMG HOW DID I FORGET LAST NITE..THE POWDERPUFF GAME (girl's football) OMG THAT S*** WAS VIOLENT lol..oo man, kara kennedy was wailin on them lol..she laided out this one girl and kara and i think it was michelle, destroyed julie reich (flashbacks..quebec, lol good times, lol dont ask lol) but ya when i saw that i even cringed...kusinscus had some hair pulled out, and myra was like tore apart lol...after the game i was like that is so wrong..they were all beat up, lol some of them couldnt even walk, i am so happy i went, i wasnt gunna bother but man that was some good enjoyment lol..i dont think there was anythin better to do atm then to see wild crazy girls rippin each other apart like there was no stinkin tomorrow lol..but umm back to today, 6th period..comparative world religions was so BORIN..i sware, i hate fallin asleep in classes but god..what can u do!..borin borin borin..and plus thats an easy A for me anyways, i bet i wouldnt go except on the days we had tests..and id still get a 95 or better, not to brag or anythin..lol i saw lauren in the halls like for the 18th time...im like what is the reason for that, lol gave her a lil love tap..i wonder now if she knew it was me..ehh oo well if i talk to her later ill tell her later..i think soon that im just gunna ask her out or somethin, i dont know if i should but who knows...lol i think i should take to meeghan and get her to front me some points to laur lol..but OMG!!! i found out the whole story bout why rod was mad..ok this is the real truth, the girl that he liked, because she didnt want him back, she told her ex to spread a rumor that i f*ed her..i was like omg wtf!!! first i dont even know her, only talked to her twice, im not attracted to her (blond, blue eyes), i was at stinkin work fri, when our supposed fling occurred and last, my best friend liked her for goodness sake..then im like, woo why didnt rod tell me that, he gave me all these bull**** reasons why he was mad and such, and why we should go our seperate ways..then i hear this crap..i dont know what to f*in think..IM SO TIRED OF PEOPLES' BULLS***!!!! i tell you i am so close to just becomin a person that is like with a f*** you, bitter attitude..IM SO SERIOUS!! im so tired of all this s***, so anyways, i have no idea who this fool is so anyways i go to find him, and i actually did, and i threw his a** against his locker and i just went off..i sware i was close to f*in beatin his a**, but instead i just went off verbally...but now im thinkin i really shouldve kicked his a**, and omg, people need to mind their own f*in business..i sware, some kids were standin there actin like i was a lunatic or somethin, i sware, if u dont know whats goin on, mind your own f*in business..but ya anyways then i was so pissd i didnt even bother goin to class, it was 8th and i was like just f*it all, so i just left, and its good i skipped Shutlz's class cuz he'll understand, but its good it was him cuz if it was some gay teacher that wanted to be a loser bout it, id curse their a** out too, lol prob get in alot of trouble,,,but w,e, im SO NOT IN THE MOOD!!....i gtg, il finish in a few mins.......

why do i go through this bull**** [Friday
11:02am November 19th]
well today must have been one of the worst days ive had in the longest, i wake up and get into a fight with my dad before i leave the house for school..isnt that a hot way to start out the day, i tell u i highly recommend it. so i get to school and we finish making our banana creme pie, and i tell you that it was awesome, really awesome, lol i think im gunna make one for myself over the thanksgiving break or w.e u wanna call it, but ya, ill have to be busy doin somethin so i dont have to be around 'them' but anyways, umm i get to third and i look on the cell and i see an interestin message, and im like oo boy what the heck is this..rod was mad at me, but i didnt know it cuz he was shieldin it from me, which is a good tactic i guess, but oo boy he showed it later...but umm i get to lunch and had was amused by my boy brolley..that kid is stinkin awesome lol, so i get done and go to the library and get done wit some last minute college stuff, i am so HAPPY to get away from all of this soon, no more parents, retarted friends, and just this f*ed life that ive been put into..il just leave all of my heartache back here..well thats what id llike to believe, probably wont though, ill probably drag all of that mess along with me though out my life, screwin up everythin that could possibly give me any happiness, but anywho..umm time flies and i get home and i call rod and basically..we arent friends anymore over some girl that was lyin to him..and hes not friends wit me anymore becuz i didnt tell him everythin bout her, cuz i knew she was lyin to him..well had the idea that she was but i didnt know what so i wanted to figure it all out before i told him, to just be sure and evidently that was wrong, but then if i told him that she was lyin to him bout somethin and she actually wasnt, then that wouldve been s*** too, so im like..i was basically cursed if i did or if i didnt..but whatever, all good things come to an end, but w.e...and now i feel even worse thinkin bout all of this..he was my stinkin best friend for goodness sake..wtf..over some da** tramp..god, can this be anymore pathetic..but umm i was so angry, pissed, f*ed up, sad..the whole package but i didnt have any time to really express it, well all but the depressed part..but i did get to talk to bek while i was goin thru my depression mood swing..i swear that girl is nothin but a blessing!! i tell u i can never say it too much how much i love that girl! i stinkin love that girl! lol and its so interestin how she sees through me, like the very first thing i said she knew or somethin..and just talkin to her made me so happy..its like she just knows exactly what to say and everythin to make me get thru all of this crap..i actually trust her unlike everyone else in this world that i know and came across, lol i even told her some stuff...but we arent gunna go there, lets just say she knows more bout my past then anyone else..and im happy that its her that does, shes like my heart.. i tell u shes like my only true friend, lol and got a lil friend wit benefits thing goin on there too..lol well more then a lil but we arent gettin into the private stuff lol (shed probably be not to happy wit her lil boy lol)...lol and babe, i dont think red ever looked so good ;) hahahahahhaha...lol just think and ull remember, hahaha that was the best time ever!!!!! thanks so much for that babe.i thought bout it all day at work after i left...lol even tho it wasnt benefitial at all..lol i was tryin to had not think of that, tryin to think of other things like baseball and clouds and such lol..lol didnt work to well lol, but again we arent gunna talk bout that lol...but after i stopped talkin to my chica..lol and i didnt want to leave, she was like pushin me to get off cuz she knew i had to go...so i had to leave my cutie lol..went and jumped in the shower, and i didnt even have enough time to do my hair..and man it really looked like crap to me, oo well lol..but so anyways i get to work and as i was was drivin by before i got in the parkin lot i looked and it was so stinkin crowded..i was like oo s***, lol and i started to think of the song..my neck, my back..even though it wasnt the same 'meanin' , its just that i feel really screwed up after work sometimes, cuz my neck and my back is all messed up...lol and oo boy, those f*in shoes i gotta wear are so screwed up, but whatever..so anyways i get in and this really hot blond girl opened the door and had on the biggest smile, and i was like oo h*** ya, lol a real hottie, hahahaha, but of course i ran by to get the card and run to the back to fix up real quick before i started my awesome night..but um i get in the back and julianna with her HEY SNOOKUMS..lol i was like snookums?, i guess i was updated from sweetie or somethin lol..lol hopefully soon ill be updated to a hug..wink wink hahahahhha but anyways (dont mind me corny jokes, im in a real good mood now i think, cuz of work and my girl bek earlier..lol well a really good mood from her lol) but umm i get back to the front and amberlie and that girl were standin there..lol and it was funny because amberlie couldnt finish introducing her before she buts in and does it herself, and her name is erin...so i guess theres another number 2..lol dont ask...but anyways she was really kick a**, and omg i wouldve never expected her to be umm (cant remember her name)'s sister..lol they look and act so different lol but anyways, hahaha and what the heck, ive noticed that ive turned into a big flirt or somethin, prob since ive been single from like may was it?..and i guess im just ready for somethin..lol so maybe thats why, dont know? lol but umm the number 2s were just a lil flirty lol...but then john pops up and i was like NO GO BACK HOME!! lol, lol but then i was like ehh w.e, amberlie is here to so whats another person, oo but omg i felt so stinkin defiled hahahaaha, well this is what happened, this group of girls came in and id say that their average together was like a 7...but anyways they were in the 60s i think and i was busin a table across from them and of course i try to do it as quickly as i can since craig just loves the way i do it lol..but umm i guess i was bendin over a lil much or somethin cuz after i was done the table called me over and said, and i quote "u did a good job on that table, and it was hot watchin you...(pointin at the other table that was gunna be leaving soon) can u let us watch you do that table too?" lol i didnt know what to think lol, lol should i have been honored or been like my vice principal at madison middle with his famous SEXUAL HARRASSMENT (lol and mind u mispronouncin it lol) but ya..lol i was in a good mood so i was like what the h***, why not lol...i think john was tryin to figure out why i did that one and insisted he leave it so i could clean it and put the dishes up to lol..i so hope he didnt realize it hahhahahhaha..what an odd nite lol, and three bdays..haha and amberlie told me i had to take the test wit pretty girl (erin marie somethin lol..lol i remembered 2 parts of her name..go me lol) but erin had my back..lol she asked amberlie to take her home, i was like anythin, anythin u just name it, ill pay u back ;) hahaha, but ya it was a cool nite at work and now im just sittin here and talkin to some people and actually pretty girl oo and this girl lauren at school i just met...lol i think i put her in an earlier entry, not sure, but ya..oo and halverson is really crackin me up lol but ya that was my day

10:46am November 18th]
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10:31am November 17th]
well not to much has been up really, im gettin a lil better tho, so thats cool, lol oo yesterday i turned on my phone for a sec, and i saw that i got a text from bek, cuz she wasnt gunna be home till late and she just thought to tell me..that was so sweet! lol i wish that most people could be as perfect as her, but then she wouldnt be so special, lol so nm..im just glad that i found her..and yes as yall can probably see, the minor things that most people dont care about make me happy but umm yesterday my dad told me he wants to transfer to the bennigans here in trumbull, and i was umm ya ok..u go on thinkin that...like im gunna do that..please...cuz i really like some of the people, well actually almost everyone, doug wit his cynical rude self, craig (mr cheerful), my bro brandon and his lovely girlfriend moe, umm amberlie, crystal, oo that cook that always says hi..I GOTTA REMEMBER HIS NAME!!..lol i go back there and see him just there cookin wit his headphones on all alone so i try to be an idiot and make him laugh, so he isnt totally bored all nite..lol julianna wit her oo i love u's and such and that really pretty girl, i forget her name, lol i remember when i was talkin to her and that drunk guy randomly gave me three bucks...and we both were like wtf! lol..and i remember i 'saved her life' and i was thinkin to say, well what do i get in return, i hope a kiss hahahaah...OOO AND I JUST REMEMBERED..the other nite i was workin, while i was busin a table i found a new credit card, and gave it to the someone and they were all happy, im guessin the lady that lost called after she got home, so she comes back and she talks to doug and when he gives her the c.c she goes and says who found it cuz i wanna give them a tip, and im standin there bout to get my tip and what does doug say..'well whoever found it, will be glad to know that they you got it back (or some crap like that)...ya i was glad she got it, but man, i so wanted that tip..looked like a 10 too lolol..but anwyays, oo and liz, she was friggn awesome, i hope they put her on my nights to work cuz i really liked her and ms emily, and butch..i should call him by his first name lol, forgot what it was tho, oo and whitney, shes a newer waitress, shes really cool, lol let me slip tho, standin there and didnt warn me the deck thing was slippery..thanks alot missy lol..lol and corrie, she was there laughin at me when i had to do the bottles that nite lol..real nice real nice lolol ..i wonder if im missin anyone..but anyways i so dont know why i started talkin bout work lol but umm its fillin up an entry lol, but ya, screw my dad, im not transfering, its like the very things that make me happy he'll try to take or somethin, but im not wastin my time talkin bout him so nm..oo and i got some new hommies that i talked to and cammed it up lol last nite wit that live in my future home (winnipeg, manitoba, canada) lol but they say 'da peg'..lol way to try to sound ghetto..OOO MY, THAT REMINDS ME..there was this ghetto girl fight yesterday..lol i have never seen anythin like that, lol even some pulled out weaves!!! and well it was outside so one of the girls pushed the other deep in the dirt, and it we just had a lil rain and snow so she was all cluttered with mud lol, it was stinkin vicious lol and the thing bout it, the teachers didnt stop it rite off, let them go on for a bit..i think one was because everyone was crowded around and wouldnt let them thru and the other was that umm well didnt look at all safe to step in lol, but ya.it was def a kodak moment lol and other than that, really nothin to talk bout i guess...so thats it..love ya bek! =)

know it sucked but still wrote it [Monday
10:49am November 15th]
is there anythin....is there a place that i can escape to..is there a place that all of my misery will just be a terrible memory..here i am, goin back and forth lookin and searchin, tryin to find somewhere, someone, somethin that can deliver me from this world of anguish, anythin that can make the ages of pain that i dwelt in to only make it seem like only seconds..seconds of distress..but yet still running from everythin, and runnin blindly to whatever can save me..believin that ill find it, even tho i know that i never will..havin faith, but still askin myself....is there anythin

10:49pm November 14th]
well today was ok..had the whole house to myself..NO PARENTS! god how i just wish they would go somewhere for a week or somethin, i just hate bein around them, and what makes me sick is to see other people complain bout their parents all becuz they dont let them dress a certain way or some corny cockamamee crap, get over it...some people actually have problems with their parents, but w.e...anyways lol, i get up and i cook some french toast on this bread that i picked out yesterday at the store..lol it was some really good bread, and while i was waiting for that to cook , i baked some cookies and ate those..but umm not really anythin happend today..just hung around the house and just enjoyed being alone for once..i watched like 8 mins of The Passion, but i stopped, i guess i wasnt really up to see somethin like that at the moment, umm i searched for some people that live in winnipeg, cuz im leanin more and more to going there for college..talked to some people that turned out to be a real waste of time, but i did find a few that were really really cool, so i basically spent all day talkin and searchin, watched some of Bishop Patterson, i have to keep my voice together just incase i get another speakin engagement somewhere soon, hopefully i will..a quick 200 or so for talkin/preachin bout 40 mins..there isnt anythin quicker and easier, well except for whoring..but thats another story lol..but ya anyways and cori comes over and helps me with the guitar..learnin how to play nobody's home...almost there =)...ordered some chinese food, and they made a mistake and added some noddle stuff by accident..lol it was really good, i just wish i knew what it was called oo but i did run to the mall for a sec..had to pick up my watch, finally got it fixed, i think i got that last christmas?? hmm who knows, well i finally took it this week to get it fixed and i got it today, oo and i saw jennifer jones...i dont know if yall read it, but a few entries ago i told u that i saw johnie jones (her brother) at work, lol its a lil odd, i havent seen them in years but i see them both in a period of a week, but umm anyways it was nice to see her i guess..so umm i get back home and my dad calls..and i sware i just put the phone down and went back to what i was doin..he was just ramblin on and on and on..i dont know..its either..hes a big idiot and doesnt realize that at the moment i dont want to hear his crap, cuz 1. im sick, 2. i have alot of crap goin on..and i dont need nor want my own f*in father to add to it, but if its not that..its that he knows and he is deliberately tryin to add to my distress..im more inclined to believe that one, cuz well he is an idiot, but hes not that foolish..but umm screw him,,movin on...hmm oo howd i forget, my mom gets home and as soon she gets home she f*in starts with me..i sware i thank GOD that every day gets closer and closer to the day ill just look in their face and say 'id lie and say it was cool, but it wasnt, so dont ever talk to me again..' and well whatever else comes to my mind at the moment, i sware i am so close to just packin up everythin in the middle of the nite and leavin to canada tonite!..and believe me, if there was no kyle, and i had a place to stay, and had a lil more money..i so would! believe me i would..then id be at least a lil more happy, but of course that wont happen and ill have to wait till july to move out..but anyways..my dad calls rite during the middle of it, well the fite, and he acts all sympathetic and is like oo whats going on whats going on..i felt like just hangin up on him..please..i know when ur fake, dont mock my intellegance..please dont..but oo after he hangs up rod calls me and is like do u wanna go to ohio with him over the thanksgivin break thing..i was like hmm pretty random, but i think i might to get away for at least a minute from everythin...actually that would be cool to get there, but ya now that i think bout it i actually should go..but anyways, i get ready for work and i get there and it was an ok nite..ooo and umm, emily was nice to me? go figure lol..i was like hmm did she get a bf today or somethin? lol but umm ya it was an ok nite, jess and i were 'high' again lol..ooo and look at this..hmm im told omg u cant swtich jobs at all! lol so i get stuck wit board which is cool i guess, since i was still a lil beat from the nite before, but bout and hr and half i realize im busin tables and jess migrated to the door, and im like huhhhh..lol way to be jess, if u were feelin tired and wanted to do it, lol u couldve just asked lol..oo and stupid me, i finally find out who mel is..lololol i was like bro (brandon)..who is that..and hes says, oo umm thats your boss kiddo, and i was like hmm..and then i realized what he meant and i was like nm, ya im stupid lol, but umm OOOO i saw my favorite teacher from 8th grade tonite..lol i thought the person that called sounded familiar, and now that i think bout it..i just saw her 2 days ago at the grocery store..ODD!! lol but ya, mrs d'addario..lol memories memories..well we talked for a few mintues and i met her mom and her husband..lol and u know like in those movies when a person that likes another person and they meet their signifagent other they imagine them stabbin them to death, lol well if i was still in 8th grade, i wouldve had one of those moments lol...omg i so was crushin on her it wasnt even funny lol..and the embarressin thing was that she knew it..lol but we wont get into all of that story..well stories lol....but ill finsih later, mike is callin....

1:12pm November 12th]
[ mood | tired ]

and now im mad cuz i already did this but it messd up

well today was interestin..it started at 430 actually, i woke up on the floor, last nite i was talkin to someone and they were drainin me i guess cuz i was gettin so pissd off, so i call myself layin down for a few mins on the floor and i guess that it was just a lil longer then a few mins lol, so anyways i wake up and i was like what the heck am i doing here? but in two seconds while i was jumping into my bed i remembered but i was like screw it, ill just block them once they im me later with their bull, so anyways i get back up at 640, jump in the shower, throw some clothes on get my stuff together and off to another awesome day..well today wasnt the best day but it sure was an improvement from the last days ive been having..i get to first and it was just me (well those kids werent there) and it was nice not havin to deal with kids that act as though they are 4 and 5..well except for one of them, he seems relatively normal..ooo and one of the kids..hes like a tv personality from the 1950s...just the way that he talks and acts and i dont know...everythin..its so old, even the how do you do? its just weird, but anyways, we were cookin anythin today, we just did place settings...well i get to 3rd period, and we had a sub so like 12 kids includin me just chilled and fell asleep, well i was more lucky cuz i sit in the back and i was able to lean my head back against the wall..but ya, get to lunch and dont have to spend any money because i brought some left over chinese food from last nite..so dad's 3 bucks do rite into my pocket =)...oo but 5 period was the most interestin..always is with curtiss..and i pass thru the day of course, oo and chhristine i can look at people and not like them..and you better not say anythin to alicia! lol...but anyways i get home and i talk to bek and some other people before i have to get ready for work..but i couldnt get there until 6,,so i call and its all ok, so i get there and it was CROWDED!!! i was like oo boy here we go, so i get there and its cystal jess and i that are hosts..and basically i ended up busin, which is cool, but it really takes a toll on ya..lol my feet are like almost dead, and not to mention my back...lol ooo well, but it was pretty fun tonite..i wish i could say some of the things that went on, but its 'strictly confidencial' hahaaha, no thats not it, i just dont remember half of the people's names, ya ya i know, its not good, but they do have name tags so im not to lost, i just cant remember them after i ask them what i have to...OOO but there are two coopers..its this lady and her mother..no one i was confused! haha well now i guess its what (the pretty girl with the black hair said) lil cooper or big cooper lol...oo and brandan..lol i just started callin him bro..u gotta stop singin those retarted songs..lol u need help, u know that rite..oo and there was this party there, and they left the cake, basically the whole thing..so we're all in the back destroyin it lol..ooo and way to throw it julianna..haha rent you cool now? lol, oo and there was a mess up so there were nachos..lol so much food..didnt have to buy any lol..but anyways it was a cool nite there...oo and jess and i were so out of it..lol and no we werent smoking anything! but anyways it was a good nite, oo i closed to, lucky me lol, but umm now im sittin here and i have the worst stomach ache and im really tired so im just gunna go..that was my day....


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